For my final freestyle blog of this lovely semester. I am going to blog about blogging.
See a couple months ago when I was much much younger and much more naive. I took a blogging class led by the likes of Mrs. Hutchinson. I was an Elite comedy writer who was finding excuses not to stand up comedy yet-because I was new in NYC (honestly my foot hurts, I'll get to it) I launched a blog called writersblock on the google blogger website - as a requisite for the class. The Internet would never be ready for a blog with this much spunk. This caliber of baldness. This much charisma. This much shoddy writing-hidden delightfully behind scandalously dressed women....
This blog was, in every sense, marvelous -- every blown tid-bit of wisdom ushered behind a beautiful Asian woman...
Every punctuation error hidden... behind a beautifully dressed cocktail waitress force-feeding you shots.
I wonder how my blog will end up on "the blogging hall of fame for the world" (this is not a real thing yet. But it will be once my blog has enough viewers. I spend a lot of time on the Internet. I wake up in the morning have breakfast, then I don't run two miles. Then I sometimes shower. Then I hit facebook. Couple hours later. I'm on Deadspin.com. Then food blogs. Then the video game blogs. Then the news. Then the Celebrity Gossip. I've been around the blogs. I enjoy reading anything. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. A lot of the time I'm creeped the hell out (the first couple aren't so bad on that link. Don't read anything about the boy and girl dolls. It's just going to mess up your whole night). Blogging is great, but unfortunately, not all blogs are created equal or have achieved such lofty feats that writersblock has done so quickly for me. Many blogs, in truth, suck all sorts of balls. Below I have compiled a list of some examples of blogs that have a hose big enough to suck up the biggest balls First it's Let start a blog, BLOG.
You've seen these. The first post says something like "I have a new blog!" or "TEST" Then the next couple posts are a little less focused until eventually you have nothing. It sizzled out. Like a huge set of dynamite that got rained on. They had all that excitment. Then. They. Just. Quit. BALLS.
It's is a product of access. Too much of a good thing. Blogs are free and everybody feels like they have something important to say. Look at facebook. People are idiots. People whine about the most mundane things. People don't take writing classes. My blog started off just like this. I think it still says This is my first blog at the beginning. Which is only their because it was a class project. That I must take off once the semester is done.
It's a problem of access, or too much of a good thing. A blog is a place to say something, and even though they're freely available to anyone who can light a fart, this does not imply that all fart-lighters have something to say.
*These are not to be confused with people who do have something to say, but shouldn't, like right wing alcoholics* Then you got the Corporate Blog BLOG:
This is the type of blog that talks about all the exciting things that some company is doing, like, oh I don't know let's say Jetblue. Even if for some bizarre reason you are interested in what Jetblue is doing --perhaps your son owns jetblue? (It's the only reason I can think of too check this blog) these blogs are still pretty useless. Crafted by junior public relations staff and read exclusively by the same junior public relations staff, reading one of these blogs is like paddling a beige canoe across a sea of banality. Think about it: If you wanted to find out anything about what a company was up to, would you first check its blog? Or search it on Google News? Honestly if any company ever reads my blog. I have one suggestion: Allow every employee in the company access to post anonymously to the blog. Yeah, so what, this is pretty similar to throwing a stick of dynamite at the foundation of your building then running threw the lobby with a sub machine gun whilst the whole building collapses around you. It would be an awesome way to get a lot of buzz about your corporation. And that seems to be - what you idiots want so much anyways.
The next blog is the Shill Blog BLOG:
One of the generally useful blog types out there are the Overzealous Nerdasaurus blogs, which is a term I've just invented which I'm pretty happy about. You know the blogs I'm talking about: They get all excitable about technologies and products. Thirty posts a day about the next great mobile tablet. That kind of nonsense. You know, like this crappy blog...
My beef is more with the blogs that are styled to look like the Overzealous Nerdasaurus Blog, but are actually veiled advertising blogs purpose-built to create false buzz for a specific product, a version of the marketing strategy that seems to be called astroturfing. These are typically written by stealth marketers, which are normal human beings just like you and me, except they possess no eyes, or heart. And they live in this lightless world where emotions like joy are destroyed, abandoned and sold into sexual slavery.
Most of these blogs are pretty easy to smoke out -- a blog that's three weeks old with half the posts being glowing reviews of a new Chinese smartphonesmartphones because of certain cheapness issues you might have.
What is this "The SPAM blog" BLOG:
This blog makes me want to blow my brains out. Stumbling onto one of these land mines is like being punched in the neck by a little fat kid who goes by the name "you clicked the wrong link you idiot" (I don't know why his mother would name him that, but I hate that kid). The people that run these blogs troll away at lists of popular search terms, then create posts which recite these search terms verbatim, all just trying to suck in traffic. To get money from the corporate blogs to pay for advertising space. As well as sell ad space for incredibly awful products. You also run into pop-ups filled with tiny horrible virus monsters. They will slowly destroy your brand new computer. The people that run these sites do not exist. They can't exist. Nobody can possibly be that awful. I am sure it's these monsters that live on top of mountains.
They just sit at their computers eating coffee grine's and drinking the blood of kittens. I hate these monsters. I promise you. If. I. Ever. Run into somebody that says they make a living sending spam to people on computers. You have my word I am going to gouge them in the eye's and take their wallet. I promise.
I'm not going to attach any links to SPAM blogs for fear that my computer or yours will catch some kind of AIDS virus.
The Cruel Blog BLOG:These are blogs which exist solely to toss petty insults at various public figures, typically celebrities. The defining feature of these is their cruelness; the humor value in their insults is often completely lost. Yes, Charlie Sheen/Lindsey Lohan/Whoever The hell did something embarrassing last night. Of course they did. Because they've got god damn substance abuse problems. It's not funny; it's sad.
http://perezhilton.com/ I understand that some of these blogs are super popular, but that doesn't make them any bit less awful. That they're popular isn't an argument for snark blogs; it's an argument against humanity.
If I were to make one suggestion to the snark blogs, it would be to stop picking on the easy targets. Take some swipes at well liked figures. Everyone's all up on Betty White these days, let's start calling her out. Maybe see if we can get some photos of Kirk Douglas trying to get out of bed. See if there are any jokes in that, Jerks!
Last but not least "The Micro Blogger BLOG:
These blogs are run by the same people I'm un-friending on facebook, sorry souls who feel the need to itemize every minute of every day for an audience which I can't believe is anything other than fictional. I mean, the people who post blogs about their feelings are one thing, but at least they have something to say. But the micro bloggers crowd the Internet with posts that have absolutely nothing to say. I don't care. Your friends don't care. Unlike the Corporate Blog - Your mom doesn't care about this one, and oh, she tried. I heard your mother. She was like "Uh Oh George!!!! Our son's at it again. We have to find a way to kill him. Because I don't think it's legal to dis-own a sixteen year old. Did we de-friend him on facebook yet?!" Then she was all like "this reminds me I have to call Trevor, I love his blog writersblock and he is just so handsome and charming". Then she was at my house cooking me breakfast after we did some hardcore making out.
Don't you see!!!! I'm crying now!!!! Because, now you have me all worked up. I didn't want to do that to your mom! I'm not a bad person!!!! I did that because my blog is awesome. And your blog... You. YOU. You update it every five minutes with the most trival stuff. I didn't want to make out with your mother but I just had to. Then I put the pictures on my blog. Hopping that you would see it. Then maybe you would stop writing all that horrible stuff about nothing." Remember, unless you're at least a Robert Downey Jr.-caliber of celebrity, no one gives a good goddamn about your life.
Thanks for letting me vent
Sincerely
Trevor Sheaffer
8:46 AM
Trevor Sheaffer
