For all the students coming up and following my foot-steps. Good luck, those are big shoes to fill.
I'm just kidding. If you want to succeed in this school. In this major. You really have to be ready to pound out some work. You have to be prepared to be attached to your laptop at the hip.
No more late nights drinking spirits.
And chasing girls.
Their were a lot of students that started in all of my classes. By the end I had like three or four kids in each class. They ended up losing their focus. They had to politely bow up. Which was great for me because I got some one on one time with the teachers. Which only made me better.
Come in. Do your work. Be on time for class. And more important than anything else. Stay happy and motivated.
Sincerely
Trevor Sheaffer
For my final freestyle blog of this lovely semester. I am going to blog about blogging.
See a couple months ago when I was much much younger and much more naive. I took a blogging class led by the likes of Mrs. Hutchinson. I was an Elite comedy writer who was finding excuses not to stand up comedy yet-because I was new in NYC (honestly my foot hurts, I'll get to it) I launched a blog called writersblock on the google blogger website - as a requisite for the class. The Internet would never be ready for a blog with this much spunk. This caliber of baldness. This much charisma. This much shoddy writing-hidden delightfully behind scandalously dressed women....
This blog was, in every sense, marvelous -- every blown tid-bit of wisdom ushered behind a beautiful Asian woman...
Every punctuation error hidden... behind a beautifully dressed cocktail waitress force-feeding you shots.
I wonder how my blog will end up on "the blogging hall of fame for the world" (this is not a real thing yet. But it will be once my blog has enough viewers. I spend a lot of time on the Internet. I wake up in the morning have breakfast, then I don't run two miles. Then I sometimes shower. Then I hit facebook. Couple hours later. I'm on Deadspin.com. Then food blogs. Then the video game blogs. Then the news. Then the Celebrity Gossip. I've been around the blogs. I enjoy reading anything. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. A lot of the time I'm creeped the hell out (the first couple aren't so bad on that link. Don't read anything about the boy and girl dolls. It's just going to mess up your whole night). Blogging is great, but unfortunately, not all blogs are created equal or have achieved such lofty feats that writersblock has done so quickly for me. Many blogs, in truth, suck all sorts of balls. Below I have compiled a list of some examples of blogs that have a hose big enough to suck up the biggest balls
First it's Let start a blog, BLOG.
You've seen these. The first post says something like "I have a new blog!" or "TEST" Then the next couple posts are a little less focused until eventually you have nothing. It sizzled out. Like a huge set of dynamite that got rained on. They had all that excitment. Then. They. Just. Quit. BALLS.
It's is a product of access. Too much of a good thing. Blogs are free and everybody feels like they have something important to say. Look at facebook. People are idiots. People whine about the most mundane things. People don't take writing classes. My blog started off just like this. I think it still says This is my first blog at the beginning. Which is only their because it was a class project. That I must take off once the semester is done.
It's a problem of access, or too much of a good thing. A blog is a place to say something, and even though they're freely available to anyone who can light a fart, this does not imply that all fart-lighters have something to say.
*These are not to be confused with people who do have something to say, but shouldn't, like right wing alcoholics*
Then you got the Corporate Blog BLOG:
This is the type of blog that talks about all the exciting things that some company is doing, like, oh I don't know let's say Jetblue. Even if for some bizarre reason you are interested in what Jetblue is doing --perhaps your son owns jetblue? (It's the only reason I can think of too check this blog) these blogs are still pretty useless. Crafted by junior public relations staff and read exclusively by the same junior public relations staff, reading one of these blogs is like paddling a beige canoe across a sea of banality. Think about it: If you wanted to find out anything about what a company was up to, would you first check its blog? Or search it on Google News?
Honestly if any company ever reads my blog. I have one suggestion: Allow every employee in the company access to post anonymously to the blog. Yeah, so what, this is pretty similar to throwing a stick of dynamite at the foundation of your building then running threw the lobby with a sub machine gun whilst the whole building collapses around you. It would be an awesome way to get a lot of buzz about your corporation. And that seems to be - what you idiots want so much anyways.
The next blog is the Shill Blog BLOG:
One of the generally useful blog types out there are the Overzealous Nerdasaurus blogs, which is a term I've just invented which I'm pretty happy about. You know the blogs I'm talking about: They get all excitable about technologies and products. Thirty posts a day about the next great mobile tablet. That kind of nonsense. You know, like this crappy blog...
My beef is more with the blogs that are styled to look like the Overzealous Nerdasaurus Blog, but are actually veiled advertising blogs purpose-built to create false buzz for a specific product, a version of the marketing strategy that seems to be called astroturfing. These are typically written by stealth marketers, which are normal human beings just like you and me, except they possess no eyes, or heart. And they live in this lightless world where emotions like joy are destroyed, abandoned and sold into sexual slavery.
Most of these blogs are pretty easy to smoke out -- a blog that's three weeks old with half the posts being glowing reviews of a new Chinese smartphonesmartphones because of certain cheapness issues you might have.
What is this "The SPAM blog" BLOG:
This blog makes me want to blow my brains out. Stumbling onto one of these land mines is like being punched in the neck by a little fat kid who goes by the name "you clicked the wrong link you idiot" (I don't know why his mother would name him that, but I hate that kid). The people that run these blogs troll away at lists of popular search terms, then create posts which recite these search terms verbatim, all just trying to suck in traffic. To get money from the corporate blogs to pay for advertising space. As well as sell ad space for incredibly awful products. You also run into pop-ups filled with tiny horrible virus monsters. They will slowly destroy your brand new computer. The people that run these sites do not exist. They can't exist. Nobody can possibly be that awful. I am sure it's these monsters that live on top of mountains.
They just sit at their computers eating coffee grine's and drinking the blood of kittens. I hate these monsters. I promise you. If. I. Ever. Run into somebody that says they make a living sending spam to people on computers. You have my word I am going to gouge them in the eye's and take their wallet. I promise. I'm not going to attach any links to SPAM blogs for fear that my computer or yours will catch some kind of AIDS virus.
The Cruel Blog BLOG:
These are blogs which exist solely to toss petty insults at various public figures, typically celebrities. The defining feature of these is their cruelness; the humor value in their insults is often completely lost. Yes, Charlie Sheen/Lindsey Lohan/Whoever The hell did something embarrassing last night. Of course they did. Because they've got god damn substance abuse problems. It's not funny; it's sad. http://perezhilton.com/
I understand that some of these blogs are super popular, but that doesn't make them any bit less awful. That they're popular isn't an argument for snark blogs; it's an argument against humanity.
If I were to make one suggestion to the snark blogs, it would be to stop picking on the easy targets. Take some swipes at well liked figures. Everyone's all up on Betty White these days, let's start calling her out. Maybe see if we can get some photos of Kirk Douglas trying to get out of bed. See if there are any jokes in that, Jerks!
Last but not least "The Micro Blogger BLOG:
These blogs are run by the same people I'm un-friending on facebook, sorry souls who feel the need to itemize every minute of every day for an audience which I can't believe is anything other than fictional. I mean, the people who post blogs about their feelings are one thing, but at least they have something to say. But the micro bloggers crowd the Internet with posts that have absolutely nothing to say. I don't care. Your friends don't care. Unlike the Corporate Blog - Your mom doesn't care about this one, and oh, she tried. I heard your mother. She was like "Uh Oh George!!!! Our son's at it again. We have to find a way to kill him. Because I don't think it's legal to dis-own a sixteen year old. Did we de-friend him on facebook yet?!" Then she was all like "this reminds me I have to call Trevor, I love his blog writersblock and he is just so handsome and charming". Then she was at my house cooking me breakfast after we did some hardcore making out.
Don't you see!!!! I'm crying now!!!! Because, now you have me all worked up. I didn't want to do that to your mom! I'm not a bad person!!!! I did that because my blog is awesome. And your blog... You. YOU. You update it every five minutes with the most trival stuff. I didn't want to make out with your mother but I just had to. Then I put the pictures on my blog. Hopping that you would see it. Then maybe you would stop writing all that horrible stuff about nothing."
Remember, unless you're at least a Robert Downey Jr.-caliber of celebrity, no one gives a good goddamn about your life.
Thanks for letting me vent Sincerely Trevor Sheaffer
I love it. Inspires me. Makes me wanna be a better man. I love the word play. The tricks they do with my head. A good hip hop artist can speak in many different ways. Hip-Hop has always been controversial, and for good reason. When you watch a children's show and they've got a Muppet rapping about the alphabet, it's cool, but it's not really hip-hop. The music is meant to be provocative--which doesn't mean it's necessarily obnoxious, but it is (mostly) confrontational, and more than that, it's dense with multiple meanings. Great rap should have all kinds of unresolved layers that you don't necessarily figure out the first time you listen to it. Instead it plants dissonance in your head. You can enjoy a song that knocks in the club or has witty punch lines the first time you hear it. But great rap retains mystery. It leaves words rattling around in your head that won't make sense till the fifth or sixth time through. It challenges you. Which is the other reason hip-hop is controversial: People don't bother trying to get it. The problem isn't in the rap or the rapper or the culture. The problem is that so many people don't even know how to listen to the music.
Whaaaaaat!!!! I've had many different favorite rappers thru the years. I loved Jada. I loved Nas. I loved Eminem. Royce da 5'9". Asher Roth...
But only one rapper since before I can remember has always been on top of my list. That artist is none other then Iceburg. Hov. The Lebron James of rap. Mr. Allow me to reintroduce myself. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Jay Z. I love Jay Z. If I find myself in a tough spot I listen to some Jay to get that extra confidence that I need. I put some Hov on
Jay-Z was born December 4th, 1969. His name is Shawn Corey Carter. He has turned everything he has ever touched into platinum. He is a businessman and occasional actor. Not to mention he is one of the most financially successful hip hop artists and entrepreneurs in America. Forbes magazine estimates his net worth at over $450 million. He has sold approximately 50 million albums worldwide, while receiving thirteen Grammy Awards for his musical work and numerous additional nominations.
So as you can see from that list. 2011: Watch the Throne. It was released today on Itunes. I am listening to it for the first time while I am writing this. Kanye West produced the whole album. So far I think It is amazing. This is my favorite song so far.
It's set to sell 400 to 500 thousand units in the first week. Which isn't a lot buy past standards. But their were a lot of ways to finagle numbers back in the day. Now those are amazing numbers. Just another album that is going to help me get through the times. I owe Jay Z a lot. I love him and I think everybody should put a little Jay Z in their lives.
So for my Imovie. Which I had a great time working with. I chose to take a new artist that I like and make a music video for one of his songs. His name is Donald Glover. His hip hop moniker is the Childish Gambino. He is a newer guy on the scene. Don also works on the TV show Community. Which is a show that is really blowing up right now over there on NBC.
The project was fun and I can't wait to do more stuff with it. It was just really rewarding adding in the photo's. I have seen people do video's like this before on YouTube. Where they run the slide show over the video. But I have never seen it done like this before. I had the idea that with almost every word he said. I would add a picture that correlates with that specific word. It really had no common theme with the video. Hip Hop is all about word play and the usage of words and different sounds that they make. So that's what I was doing with the photo's. I used word play behind his word play. I was very pleased with the end result. It goes a little fast and I was worried that people might not be able to register what I was trying to do in the background of the song. But I gave it a couple test runs with some of my friends and they all gave rave reviews.
Maybe you be the judge. I am having difficulty putting it on YouTube right now. I wonder if it is because of some kind of copyright infringement thing. I'll keep working on it.
Donald Glover already has a video for this song.
Which I love. I love his energy he goes really hard in the video. I also got to see him perform live - where I work and his live show is just the same. Really high octane the whole time. I got to meet with him after the show. He struck me as just a really good dude. That was very humble about everything currently going on with him.
Coney island has a thick, awful smell to it. Sweat, hot air and hard boiled eggs - a lingering, unescapable odor, somewhere between some kind of gas leak and sweaty, stinky people eating kimchi. I arrived in New York four months ago. This would be my first time smelling or seeing Coney Island, NY. I met up with a girlfriend of mine that I was pseudo dating for a couple months. After a long and hot subway ride, we arrive at our destination. This is my interpretation of the sights and sounds that I witnessed at Nathan's hot dog contest. It is July 4th. This great nations birthday.
The Crowd was massive, restless and braying; the weather was blistering. I came home that night with the skin color of a fresh broiled lobster. The contest is framed against a giant, semi-derelict amusement park, like a Carnival in one of Wes Craven's nightmare in which strains of fairground music mingle with the din of over priced-trinket merchants. It's all a little like the county fairs that we have down south.
As my lady friend and I press our way as close to the hot dog spectacle as is safe, we hear Soulja Boy's music start thumping from the speakers onstage.
Hip-twirling cheerleaders in silver hot pants are greeted by largely male whistles. A burly rapper with a faltering delivery joins them, and then a dwarf, clad in the Stars and Stripes. Before the audience, now properly fired up, is treated to trampolining "sky-riders," acrobats, and a strange salsa-burlesque dance medley. I'm hit in my bald head by a flying pink Pepto-Bismol blow up toy. Pepto-Bismol is an official sponsor of the event.
Is this about food? I'm bewildered and confused. Then I realize this is how it's done: Nathan's is a spectacle of American pride; the competitive-eating element is simply the very lean middle between two large, all-inclusive buns. The wacky ringmaster, George Shea, wears a crazy straw hat and spats stomach acid-inducing, inflated commentary. "He's so skinny he's almost two-dimensional, "he says. Regarding defending champion and world record holder Joey Chestnut: "His DNA is the blueprint of an archangel's. "The audience loves George. I love George.
I'm jammed up between a few of the fattest Americans in the world. This is such a celebration of gluttony that I'm relishing every minute of it.
Sorry about that mental image.... Here have some of this.
The idea of competitive eating isn't simply alien to people of other countries. It's America at it's most absurd. All over the world people are starving, but here it is a form of combat. A "sport" that strains the stomach muscles, it promotes gluttony and nausea simultaneously - is like a hearty lunch out with friends gone completely wrong.
The list of the competitors and their achievements, to my untrained eye, is not imposing so much as quit odd. A one-way ticket to Crazyland:squids, goat-balls, cow-brains, shoefly-pie, pickled jalapenos. Even hot dogs are turned into an alien object, tallied by the acronym "HDB," for Hot Dog and Bun. The ironies are so heavy they must be deliberate. When not eating her weight in fast food, Larell Marie, nicknamed "The Real Deal," is a trainer at a gym. The women go first but by the time it's the men's turn, I'm unashamedly relishing Shea's patter: "Are you ready to sip from the cup of lava? To make love to the Dragon?"
"Yes!" I scream, as loud as I can.
The contest is serious stuff. Each contestant has a judge to note any excess scraps and to anticipate any "breach of rules." Like the women, these men aren't the giants one might expect. The petite six time champ Takeru Kobayashi, who transformed the event in 2001 by smashing the 50 HDB mark (prior to Kobayashi the record was around 20 HDB's, he came and doubled the record) is absent because of a contract dispute the press is trading rumors about his off-site protest-eating plans-but his legacy is obvious in the builds of the competitors. The .Kobayashi story is a really great story in itself. Evidently he did break the record this year and ate 68 hot dogs. It was not an official record though.
They begin to introduce all of the contestants, and what records they have broken. Finally Chestnut arrives--a pretty ordinary-looking guy, though Shea announces that his "stomach is a cauldron." The crowd is massive, swaying completely locked into the spectacle they are about to witness. The men stare at their hot dogs like lions circling their prey, psyching themselves up. And then, like that, they're off pouncing on the meat like they are storming Normandy. Final result: Chestnut ate 62 HDB in 10 minutes. "He's half-man, half-god," Shea screams!
I'm glad I came to Coney Island. On this particular day. It was enjoyable to witness the satire of a hot dog eating contest. My bald head took a major beating from the relentless sun. Other than that though, it was an amazing time, simply bonkers. The whole time I watched these warriors chow down on their hot dogs, I was thinking. "I can do that". So after watching Chestnut drop down his sixty second hot dog.
I walked over to the hod dog stand and had one hot dog... I was full.
After the furor died down, the euphoria of the day deflated to the crumpled inflatable toys underfoot, I yell at "Notorious B.O.B."
"But you have pie-eating contests in Oklahoma don't you? Don't you?" The girl I'm with says. "Isn't that kinda the same?"
"They're nothing like this," I reply.
11:00 pm So I start checking out Creative Hotlist. They have a website. It's for an assignment for class. I've seen Monster dot com. I've seen some of the other job search websites. The idea is I have to go on the site find a job and write about it. This is great because, I would like a job in the design world. I'm probably not ready yet - but this is gonna be a good opportunity to see what I'm going to have to do - Too get into the industry.
11:30 pm I typed in my zip code and selected the Digital field. I'm looking thru a couple design company's right in my area. This is great!!! They have a couple places right in my neighborhood. I'm going to go by and start schmoozing stat.
11:35 pm Jackpot! I found a company called motherland? They've done work for MTV VH1, HP and IPOD get out of here I love IPOD. I love all this stuff.
11:36 to 12:45 doing a little bit of facebooking. I hate my ex-girlfriend...
All of them.
12:46 AM So it doesn't say anything about what kind of qualifications they want or even what job they are looking for on the creative hot list site. So I'll go back and see if any of the company's have any specific job listings. The next three I check don't seem to have any either. This sucks because this something I need for Mrs. Hutchinson's Easter egg hunt for the blog.
12:58 AM I'll go to Motherland's website. It's probably on their...
1:00 AM .............Nothing............. The website. Looks. Great.... Checking a little about us. They seem like they're doing pretty good. I want to work for them but I don't know what they want me to do for them. I guess they just want me to design stuff. I even went back and checked out a couple other websites. I can't find any specific job listings. I even googles motherland. See what else shows up. Nothing really. They're doing pretty good.
1:30 AM So I don't see any qualifications. The surprises in my research are the fact that these company's are using a job search engine and not... Showing what jobs they need. I guess they need designers. Maybe they don't care about prerequisites. They just want good designers.
And obviously the creative hotlist job site didn't help out a lot. I hope this doesn't effect my grade for the blog to much. Because I gave it hell. I still think you are a sweet charming teacher. Who has a lot of good ideas. I'll stick to monster.
So for the last two weeks we have been working on comic life projects. We use the application "Comic Life", which is a really sweet application. It is going to be a nice add on to my creative repertoire. It is one of the most user friendly applications that I have come across. It took about 15 minutes for my sweet, nice, classy instructor to give me the gist of the program, then I was off and running. I wish Photo Shop were this user friendly. I started a comic called "The Adventures of Sticky Stan". Sticky Stan is a nickname that I received when I was just a young lad. It has kind of stuck since. The name seems to have disappeared in the last couple of years due to me moving all over god's green Earth, but has made a strong reemergence as of late. I have a lot of idea's to use with Sticky Stan and Comic Life. Anytime I go on a trip or anything I can come home and with the photo's I can make a quick little comic book about my adventures. I think people are going to get a kick out of it. Since I live an adventurous life I think it will translate nicely into comic life.
When I was playing with comic life at home. My roommate asked me what I was doing. I explained the project that I was working on. He told me to make him a comic book character. So I decided to make him the villain in the first story. He doesn't actually hate awesome people and he is a really nice guy. The rest of the batman photo's were just photo's that I had on facebook from Halloween when I was bartending in that ridiculous outfit. as for the rest of the shots.
Ummm... I drink a lot of tequila and I end up naked a lot. I get tagged with these photo's on facebook constantly. So I had a bunch of them. For my Comic life story I kind of made a gag out of it. I hope you enjoy and I promise no matter how hard you look their is no nudity in this comic collection... Also before the question is presented... No animals were hurt or killed in making this comic strip.
Just follow this link to go see the whole 7 page comic at it's worst ;)
Suppose your were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
The first thing I ever remember writing was, a poem about Republican Pilgrims and something about the color of the flag. It was during the big Republican wave of the Reagen era. Very cutting edge stuff. I really don't remember why I chose this particular topic. But people thought that it was just so cute, that a 8 yr old kid was writing about politics.
I ended up winning a few awards for my partisan writing. I received a little bit of money, to put in my Osh Kosh pockets; and my political writing career was off to an exhilarating start. Problem was... I never wrote about politics again... Ever... Until TODAY that is!!!! Thank You. Thank You. *takes bow*. I write satire. Not Politics. Politics are Bologna. So are most of the people that talk about politics. I know this, but I love listening to people talk about manipulated information. I just love listening to the way people deliver different wrong ideas. You can sell me anything and if you are a good enough orator than I'll momentarily believe you.
A couple years ago I had the opportunity to do a little bit of fighting in Iraq. So I have a pretty good idea what's going on over there in tat dessert. It's amazing, I listen to people tell me what's going on in Iraq at least once a week. These people have no clue whats happening in that country. They do so enjoy listening to themselves talk though. They can't possibly understand what is happening on a day to day routine over there. I don't mention much about it for a couple of different reasons. Honestly, when I was there it really seemed like we were helping. The villagers loved having us around. The kids adored us. We basically made sure people had medical care, homes and warm food. All while keeping lookout for the bad guy's that would basically stop at nothing to kill us. Not because of religious reasons, they were just basically common criminals. Rich terrorists were paying anybody to kill us. Since they had no jobs, it was a pretty decent way for them to feed their family's (almost honorable right? Strap a bomb to yourself, get your six kids fed for the rest of their lives. Yeah that's the problem). I don't really talk about it because I'm not their anymore. It has probably changed so much since I left. Sure I know more than most people. Even by military standards. I was a top level Intelligence Analyst. I had all kinds of information that's obsolete now. I still don't talk about politics because If I'm not studying it all day every day like some people are. Then I probably don't know what I'm talking about. I was a approached by a communist the other day at a bar. I was drunk. He was kind of an idiot but he had some rather interesting ideas on the fight oversees. Except for the one where I was murdering kids the whole time I was in Iraq. I let it all slide because I'm a happy drunk, but some of his commie thoughts weren't as horrible as I was lead to believe. The kid could twist a tale, and he new his stuff. That's why I think Obama is such a great President. He is a great speaker. It's one of the most important traits to have if you want to lead a country. I'm a moderate now. As far as I understand that means: I don't have to choose any side on any idea. Times change, opinions change, I change, and my political party can be anything I want it to be. I think it's crazy to be like "every single thing that Barack Obama does is exactly what I want in a president". Then I would be brainwashed. If I were to say "every single thing that George Bush Jr did was so stupid". I would be brainwashed.
Again, I have no clue why I wrote this story when I was a kid. I was not overtly interested in politics as a child. I remember listening to a lot of my older brothers punk rock albums, and always hearing stuff like "screw the government" and not knowing what the word "government" even meant. So there was no logical reason for me to be some little republican. It was like people who root for the Dallas Cowboy's or the Miami Heat … strictly an exercise in front running. The issues didn't matter, because I was too young to grasp them. All I knew was that everyone seemed to like my poem about the political climate in America, and so I did too. Turns out actual politics aren't all that more complicated.
As I grew up a little bit and became a little bit more politically aware, turning sharply liberal as a result of watching MTV's "Choose or Lose" coverage, which was basically a liberal FOX News, for Captain Crunch eating suburban white kids who thought it was hip to listen to Public Enemy and thought Downtown Julie Brown was smoking hot. She was... I allowed the network to brainwash me with their progressive opinions because I was a teenager and was waiting for Cindy Crawford's "House of Style" to start immediately afterwards.
I have political opinions now, but frankly I'm not all that confident in them. I feel like my political ideals are more the result of random sociological engineering than they are any kind of inherent values I possess. You see people who are wildly political all the time and it's somewhat absurd because their identities are so wrapped up in their political ideas, as if this was the only possible way they could have turned out. As if they had seen everything and knew everything and this opinion they hold is the only possible conclusion they could ever come to. But that's not true, of course. We're all influenced one way or the other as we go along, perhaps more than we'd care to admit. Sometimes I'll read something political and I can feel myself being dragged into believing something I'm not remotely experienced enough to have a real opinion on. And yet it's so easy to want to make it my own, to buy into it and say I'm for this and against that. I go out and I tell somebody my new great political stance. This person (usually my brother) in turn shoots it down explains why it's a bad idea. How it is hurting people and I'm right back to square one. It's all bullshit. Call me flip floppy but that's just the way you have to be in today's everchanging climate. Anybody else that won't change their stance is just blockheaded. So I look back at writing a political poem in third grade and I think to myself: "Hey, that's kinda funny. But it's also kinda messed up and lame all at once." I have the self-awareness now to know nothing about my political beliefs then were the product of my own independent thinking. And they probably still aren't. Judging by the stuff you see people spew every day, I wouldn't be alone.
I get all the information I need from Jon Stewart, Southpark and Family Guy. That's just fine with me.
8:46 AM
Trevor Sheaffer
